Hellsing, a slickly-produced story about modern-day vampires in England, is one of the most hotly anticipated anime series of Summer 2002. The show is stylish and filled with exciting action and memorable characters. Obviously, the best way to promote such a series is to show it on television.

And Hellsing definitely will show up on TV. Scout's honor! I am totally serious! Of course, given the graphic nature of the show and the numerous references to potentially offensive things like Hell, the Vatican, the Protestant Reformation, and those horrible limeys, some changes will have to be made for the broadcast version.

First of all, Hellsing is a cartoon, which means that it is meant for children. Therefore, creating an edited Y7 version is necessary. Because of this, Hellsing, or as it's now known, Hecksing, no longer takes place in England. It takes place in the crime and zombie-infested Panda City. The main character, Al U. Card, ("Al"), is a wacky, fun-loving vampire who fights evil with his trusty talking sidearms, Smith and Wesson. The guns shoot specially-engineered bullets which only hurt bad guys.

Al, along with his hilarious werewolf sidekick, Wolfy, works for a shadowy organization known as the Good Guys. The good guys are led by Acura Integra, a forceful and charismatic man (Integra was originally a woman, but her deep voice and apparent lack of sexual characteristics led the producers to accidentally assign her a male voice actor), along with his butler, Geeves.

Thanks to the latest in digital animation techniques, many of the original show's crosses and other threatening religious icons have been removed and replaced with more cheerful, less traumatic symbols. Kids will love Hecksing!

Also, much of the show's trademark gore and violence has been digitally painted out. Scenes that are simply too bloody, like the one pictured above, have been altered to give the blood the appearance of delicious Smuckers brand grape jelly. Kids love jelly!

A particularly troublesome character was Anderson, the priestly opponent of Al. For the new, TV-friendly version, Anderson's name has been changed to Alexander Dastardly, and his trademark cross has been digitally replaced with a clock, similar to the one worn by popular role model Flavor Flav. Kids love Public Enemy!

Also problematic is the sigil on Alexander's glove, which originally read "Jesus Christ is in HEAVEN." With the latest in digital replacement methods, the glove now contains a much less sinister, more wholesome message! After all, kids love cheese.

The original show featured numerous battles with scary, ugly vampires and ghouls. Obviously, this is not suitable for children's television, so the vampires in Hecksing are both more recognizable and less threatening.

This is especially convenient, because it's already leading towards numerous lucrative product tie-ins! Al's hilarious vampire antics are a great match for Count Chocula cereal.

Altogether, <h>Hecksing is sure to be the most popular cartoon among boys aged 4 to 12! Kids won't be able to resist Al's zany battles with the bloodthirsty, murderous forces of evil! In fact, Hecksing might just be the next Pokemon! Be sure and watch for it!

(Note: The preceding article has been a parody. I'm saying this because I know some of you dumbshits will take it seriously, and while it pains me that there really are people that dumb out there, I can't take too many chances. Other than that, don't be a chump-- pick up Hellsing from Pioneer this summer!)

(Special thanks to Hellsing Headquarters, the best Hellsing fan site on the net, for the nifty pitchers.)</div>